How Alexander Hamilton Ruined My Life
by nekokenna
Summary: McKenzee Papantoniou has dreamed of being an actress for her whole life. Her dream role: Eliza Hamilton. Her chances for the role are high, and when her middle school crush is playing her favorite character, things are working out perfectly. But when Tristan Miles, the class flirt and most annoying boy ever, gets in for Alexander Hamilton, things may change.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter One_

I, McKenzee Papantoniou, am an actress.

Or, well, I like to think myself as one. In truth, I have never actually participated in a musical, play, or movie of any sort. In fact, I've never even been an understudy. Or even gotten on the list. Or even been remotely considered…

But I'm attending Westside Wisconsin Highschool now, and that is all about to change.

()()()

Before I even woke up, I could smell my dad's coffee seeping through my open doorway. My nose lifted, then my eyelids, until I sat up and stretched, letting the blankets fall off of my small frame. I reached out blindly, squeezing my eyes shut as I hit the lightswitch. Rubbing my face, I tried to get used to the bright light after cracking my eyes open.

_Okay. 6 AM. First day of the second week of school. English essay due Wednesday, test on Friday. Two assignments that I know of for tomorrow, and a basketball game on the weekend, which I am not sure I will attend. Personal writing should be finished by the end of today, and be sure to practice French Horn. We've got a professional band director coming in tomorrow. My piano skills could use some work, too. I'll stay after school. _

I smiled. And the most important thing… _Sign up for theatre._

I kicked the rest of my covers off and swung my legs over the side. _6:03._ I had to leave by 7, which gave me roughly an hour to get ready. _Time to start the day._

I went through my early morning routine first, which consisted of getting dressed, saying goodbye to my dad, who I wouldn't see until late that night, and putting my make-up on. After throwing my black, curly hair into a quick ponytail, I walked to my older brother's room and knocked on the door.

"Ian? Are you up?"

No answer. I turned the handle and pushed it open a crack. Ian was still in bed, his curly hair spread out over his pillow. I walked over to his side and shook his shoulder.

"E, time to get up. It's 6:30. You gotta take your pills."

He had just started to wake up, enough to murmur, "I don't want to."

"Get up or take the pills?"

"Pills. No pills. They make me...lethargic."

I sighed. We'd had this conversation before. "Ian, you have to take them. Once you get used to them, they'll start working, I promise."

"That's what the doctor said last time."

I rubbed his back. "This time will be different, Ian, I promise."

He groaned, then turned over and stretched. "How can you be so positive?"

"Being positive is what helps my personality."

"Are you saying you don't like my personality?"

I rolled my eyes. "You know that's not it. Now hurry and get up. You need to eat breakfast."

"Don't want to."

"Ian… Come on. I'll give you five minutes, okay?"

"Hmm…"

I flicked on the light, ignoring his protests, and walked out of the room. When I'd worked on my essay for about four minutes, Ian stumbled into the kitchen, his hair sticking up everywhere. He ran a hand through it, making it stick up even more.

"Mom bought new cereal." I pointed to the cupboard.

He took a clean bowl from the sink and the cereal and poured it, though I could tell he was doing it reluctantly. I shook my head and took a sip of my black coffee. A year. This had been going on for a year, and he wasn't much better, despite the medications, the hours of therapy, and the new eating program that they'd started a month ago when we'd figured out he'd been starving himself.

But I was there for him now, and he'd be fine. We would all be fine, despite Dad having to work 14-hour days to pay for the bills and my mom being in the hospital so often. I was okay, and I was all they needed to get through this.

My fingers hooked onto my backpack strap and I swung it over my shoulder. "You almost ready, Ian?"

"I just got up, give me a break."

"The bus'll be here soon, though." The stool's legs scraped against the floor as I stood up.

He glanced at the clock, which read 6:40.

"We've got twenty minutes. I think we're fine. You seriously need less energy."

To prove his point, I took another sip of my coffee. "Nah, you just need more energy."

He eyed me, then my mug. "Give me some of that."

I laughed and pushed the mug over to him. "You can finish it."

After taking a sip, he made a face, got up, and proceeded to dump sugar in it.

"You know that isn't good for you, right?"

He looked straight at me while he finished pouring his unholy amount of sugar into the brown liquid. Then he took a long drink of it. "I don't care."

I laughed again. "Whatever, I guess." I closed the cover of my chromebook with a snap and brought it to my room, which was now illuminated by the faint light coming from the early sun. The posters hung on the wall were clearly able to be seen. I glanced over them once more before I left. I had ones for theatre, for volleyball, for music, and, most importantly, the biggest one in the middle. With a black star against the golden background, the figure stood proud and tall, aiming his gun towards the sky.

_Throwing away his shot,_ I thought to myself. _How dare you, Alexander._

Despite the many mistakes of our featured character, Hamilton still remained my top musical. And the best thing was that there was a 90 percent chance my school would be performing it. That's how I was going to get in.

"Bus!" Ian yelled from the kitchen. I shook myself out of thoughts of Hamilton and Anthony Ramos-who was on another poster I had-and ran into the kitchen, making sure all the lights were off and the food put away before following Ian out the door.

I locked it behind me and stuffed the key into my pocket. The wind was strong this morning, pushing against me and threatening to knock me over, despite my heavy backpack. Our lawn hadn't been mowed in weeks, and now the gusts swept through it, rolling it like the rippling waves of a lake. I thought it was quite pretty, but it was just another reminder that we didn't have enough money to afford a lawn mower.

But it was fine. We were content, and I had a great school to attend. An awesome older brother, awesome friends, and the best parents I could wish for.

Who knows when that might change, but for now, I was willing to enjoy it.

**Heyo. So as you may have noticed, this isn't a typical Hamilton fanfic. It'll follow McKenzee and her adventures dealing with Hamilton, but I promise I'll make it interesting. Oh, btw, I have no idea how theatre actually works, cause our school doesn't do it (which kinda stinks), but any tips on how it all works? Like how to get in and stuff?**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Next one will be longer. Please review! I live for feedback. **

**See you next time! -kenna**


	2. Chapter 2

**Trigger Warning: Mentions of self-harm**

_Chapter Two_

Wrinkling my nose as I stepped into the school cafeteria, I glanced around for my friend, Jordyn. She had a tendency to switch tables every so often, and I never knew where she was going to sit.

_Okay, McKenzee. Don't do anything too outgoing. Be more like Aaron Burr, not Alexander. _Burr was definitely my favorite character, and I strove every day to be more like him. Quieter, less...bombastic. Subtle. Easygoing. Likeable if you got to know him.

I spotted her across the room, sitting at a table with… No way. There was no way Jordyn Shamia would sit by those people. Those were labeled as the 'popular kids.' Nobody wanted to sit by them because, well, they were them. Their own group. As I grew closer, I could see that Jordyn was definitely uncomfortable.

Well, I wasn't going to let her sit there by herself. I marched to the table and claimed the seat next to her.

"Hey, we didn't invite you," the most annoying one, Tristan Miles, said.

I looked him in the eye and said, "Jordyn's my best friend. If she's sitting here, then so am I."

So much for being more like Aaron Burr.

"Well, we invited her and not you, so maybe you should leave."

My look turned into a glare. "Maybe you should leave if you don't like me being here."

"Just let her stay, Tris. If she leaves, then Jordyn will leave, and we won't figure out what we want to know," one of his friends said.

I glanced around warily. "What do you mean?"

"Hey, maybe McKenzee can tell us," Tristan said, leaning forward.

"Tell you what?"

"McKenzee…"

I looked at my friend. She was shaking her head, silently asking me not to. This must be serious, if Jordyn was asking me to stop. The roles were usually reversed in these situations.

I turned my gaze back to Tristan, who was looking at me with a slight smile on his face. His eyes held the expression that he knew exactly what was going on and was delighted that I didn't know what was happening.

"What is it, Tristan?" I asked. "What do you need that's so important that you had to ask Jordyn to sit at your table?"

"Your mom."

Heat rushed to my head and my heartbeat sky-rocketed, but I kept my cool and said, "What about her?"

"She's in the hospital, right?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Rumors. You know me, McKenzee. I live for rumors. To investigate if they're true or not is the most exciting thing in the world. They're really the most exciting things that happen in this school."

"Why would you care if my mom is in the hospital or not?" I asked quietly.

His smile widened. "Is curiosity not enough?"

"No."

"Come on, Kenzee."

"Call me that again and I'm punching you."

"Same here," Jordyn said. "Only I'm allowed to call her that."

He sighed. "Come on, just tell me what's wrong with her."

I stood up. I knew that when I thought about this later, I would say that I had tried. I really had. But Tristan had taken one step too far.

"There is _nothing _wrong with my mother," I hissed. "You have absolutely _no_ right to ask me about this, and frankly, you don't deserve to know. If you say anything else about my mom-spread rumors or _anything_-I am going to personally walk up to you and punch you, and hopefully break your jaw so you can't say anything else offensive."

"And I'll be right behind her," Jordyn said, standing up next to me. "Go investigate other people's rumors, _Tris._ Stay out of ours."

His smile had turned into a glare. "I'll figure it out eventually."

I turned away to sit at another table.

"I always do," he called out as we walked away.

I plopped down in a chair and put my head in my hands. "Ugh! He infuriates me."

"Same here. They just told me to sit by them, and, well, I was honestly a little too scared to contradict them."

"It's all right. I just wish I didn't have to deal with kids like that at school when I'm dealing with enough at home."

"Is Ian struggling again?"

I shrugged. "He seemed fine today, but he's learned to be so good at bottling up his emotions, that I don't really know. No, what's really bothering me is that they're taking Mom into the next stage of chemo. More money, which means more hours for Dad to work. I'm going to have to pick up a job soon, but no one can drive me."

"Shouldn't Ian have his license by now?"

"He should, but he's not allowed to because of anorexia and his near suicide attempt a few months ago."

"Oh, I see. Well, I work at this pool right after school. We live pretty close to each other. We could work together then my mom could drive you home."

I smiled at her gratefully. "You're brilliant, Jordyn. Are you sure your mom won't mind?"

She shook her head, a stray strand of her blonde hair flopping against her forehead. "She won't mind at all. I promise."

"Okay, maybe I can check it out tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure. Oh, this is great. Work will be much more interesting with you there."

I smiled, but thought of something else. "What about theatre? I mean, I don't know if I'm going to get in or not yet, but I think they meet after school…"

"There's always later hours for work. And don't forget that I'm doing theatre too. We're in this together, Kenzee."

I laughed. "You really are the best friend I could ask for."

"You are, too, Kenzee. I'm serious."

"Thank you."

"Anytime." She smiled cheerfully. "Wanna head to the library?"

"Sure."

()()()

The day was over quickly, and despite the little fiasco at lunch, it hadn't been horrible. I sat with Ian on the bus, and after I had explained to him everything that Tristan had said, he just stared forward with a hard expression on his face.

"So you didn't actually tell him anything?" he asked.

"Right. He doesn't get to know those sorts of things."

He nodded. "How are things with theatre?"

"Well… They're doing Romeo and Juliet. As cool as it would be to just be in a play anyway, I think I'm going to wait a little longer for something more interesting."

"Like Hamilton."

"Um, yes. That would be awesome. But they haven't said anything yet."

"Hm."

"Oh, I might get a job right after school, for, you know."

"Yeah. So will you be riding the bus home?"

I shook my head. "No, Jordyn's mom is going to bring me home around 5 o'clock."

"Okay."

I studied him. "What's wrong?"

"Well, I just wish I could drive you."

"Hey, it's all right. It's not your fault."

"But it is."

"Nope. We've been over this. It's not your fault."

"Okay," he said quietly.

An idea popped into my head that would maybe make him a little happier. "Hey, so we've been eating leftovers for some time now, right? Let's walk to that Chinese place down the road and eat there. And maybe we can have popcorn and a movie tonight?"

He smiled. "That sounds great, ZeeZee."

My smile matched his. I loved the nickname that he gave me. I was probably closer to my brother than I was to anyone else in my community. Well, maybe besides my mom. And although Jordyn was like a sister to me, she just wasn't family. I could talk to Ian about Mom and he would understand. He wouldn't pretend to know the answers or comfort me. He would just be there, sharing my feelings and emotions. And that was all I needed.

()()()

When suppertime rolled around, I put my homework away and went to knock on Ian's door. I heard a crash, then he opened the door, looking like he'd just woken up.

"What was that?"

"I fell asleep while doing my homework, and it fell off the desk when you knocked."

"Ah. Well, are you ready to go?"

"Yeah." He grabbed his jacket before following me out the door.

The walk there was pleasant. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and I could tell that it would be a fantastic sunset. The air was warm, but not humid. Our little town was quiet tonight, with only a couple cars out on the roads. When we stopped walking, it was completely silent, like the quiet atmosphere had stretched over the buildings and miles of fields beyond.

"I love Wisconsin," I stated as the restaurant came into view.

"Yeah. It's so peaceful."

I nodded. Suddenly, I found myself comparing this silence to the chaos that I labeled as a hospital, especially on that one night. There had been lights flashing and loud voices. The pounding of my heart was something I remembered vividly, even though it happened several months ago. I remembered that Ian had been crying. He never cried, not even during his worst moments. I remembered later that night, after it had all calmed down and Mom was in a mostly stable condition again, when I'd gone to check on Ian and had found him unconscious, blood staining his left wrist and arm, the carpet around him, and the knife he gripped tightly in his right hand.

We'd had two hospital visits that day.

"Something wrong?"

I shook myself. "No, I'm just worried about Mom. About...everything."

"Yeah, me too. Dad said we can visit her this weekend."

"Hm." This weekend was a long time away.

"He feels really bad about working all the time, you know."

"I would too, if I left my children home alone everyday and can't even take them to see their Mom who's dying of cancer."

"McKenzee."

I blew out a breath. "I know. I'm not really mad. I just… I don't know." I looked up at him and smiled widely. "I'm just glad that I have you, and that we do get to see her. And Dad's doing all he can. It's not like I can change our circumstances, so I'm not going to try. I'm just thankful we're all alive right now. That's all I really need."

My brother reached out his hand and rubbed my shoulder. "Me, too, Kenzee."

We reached the small building that had stood there for years, and yet continued to get very good service. As we stepped into the door, we were greeted by the familiar smell and sounds of the restaurant we went to often. When we were younger, before Mom had been diagnosed, before Dad had to work past suppertime, we would all bike here, eat, and bike around some more.

It made me wonder if Mom would ever be able to ride a bike again.

Once we'd gotten our food, we sat at our usual spot.

"So," Ian said. "How are things with Keith Matthews?"

I rolled my eyes. "They're fine, if 'fine' mean that I don't stand a chance."

"Why not? Have you talked to him?"

"No, he won't talk to me."

"Why not? You said he was nice."

"Well, yeah, but…" I smiled and fingered a strand of my hair. Keith had been my crush since junior high. "He's...too nice. For me. I mean, I don't know."

"Are you shy around him?" Ian sounded shocked at the fact that I could be shy around anyone.

I rolled my eyes. "No. I just… Okay, maybe I get a little nervous around him, but so does anyone around their crush!"

He chuckled. "Sure. Seriously, though, you just gotta talk to him."

"No way. He wouldn't like me back anyway."

"I don't see why not. You're pretty."

"Because I'm different."

He shook his head. "Looking like you're Asian doesn't mean you're different. Mom's proud of her black hair and dark skin, so you should be too."

"I know."

He took a long sip of his Coke. "So, what movie are we watching tonight?"

A smile spread over my face. "We could watch Hamilton."

Rolling his eyes, he replied, "I regret ever introducing that to you."

"No, you don't," I laughed.

"When you're belting out the lyrics to _Wait For It_ at 2 AM, then, yes, I do regret it."

"Hey, it's a good song."

"Yeah, I know. Why don't you ever sing, like, _My Shot_? I know you have it memorized."

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess cause I'm trying to be more like Burr? You know he's my favorite character."

"I suppose."

"But I like all the songs."

()()()

We ended up watching _The Little Mermaid, _a favorite of ours. Who cared that we were fifteen and seventeen? We still enjoyed it.

When it was done, I asked Ian, "Homework finished?"

He shook his head. "No, I've got a little bit left. I'll work on it."

"Okay." I stood up and stretched, my eyes tired. "I think I'm going to go to bed."

"All right."

"See you in the morning."

"Night."

In my room, I glanced once more over my posters before crawling into the bed and turning the light off. I really hoped that nothing would come out of what happened at lunch today. I didn't need rumors about my mom circling around the school.

But even if they were, it would be all right. I had my family around me, and we would see her on the weekend. Everything was okay.

**So, you may have noticed that in the first chapter, I made McKenzee's hair light brown, but I changed it to black because I realized that her last name had more of maybe a Polynesian background? Idk. But her hair is black and curly now, and so is Ian's. Btw, I don't actually live in Wisconsin, but I've been there once, and wowowow it is so pretty. Some days it's completely silent and you literally can't hear anything besides maybe a bird. **

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you to my reviewers :). **


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three_

Finally.

Finally, finally, _finally_.

My school was doing Hamilton. After two weeks of waiting patiently, waiting for something other than Shakespeare - not that Shakespeare was horrible - it had finally come. My wish was fulfilled.

Well, not quite. I still had to audition and actually get in, but that didn't stop me from running around the house screaming my head off, and posting the information on my wall because I was so happy. Ian probably thought I was going crazy.

That was fine. I had a chance to play in Hamilton! This was the moment I'd been waiting for!

"To put it in Hamil-terms," I said, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling, out of breath from running around, "I am not throwing away my shot."

I smiled widely. I couldn't wait to tell Mom about this.

Even though I knew it might not happen, and probably wouldn't, I let myself fantasize for a while about what would happen if I did make the role of Eliza. My crush would play Alexander, and someone else cute would play Aaron Burr. I'd wait until the performance to pour my heart out with singing, and surprise everyone around me. They'd be talking about it, and somehow, Mom would manage to be there. Dad would take off from work, and they would watch me as I became a star.

But then a line from another musical, Les Miserables, came into my mind. _"But there are dreams that cannot be."_ I knew that Mom wouldn't be getting out of the hospital anytime soon, and Dad probably wouldn't be able to make it, even if I did get in.

But even as my smile faded, I told myself that, for the first time, I had a chance. I was going to take that chance, and pour everything I had into it. In a small part of my subconscious, I knew that it would hurt more if I failed. But that was life, wasn't it? Try your hardest, then get back up again if you fail. And, no matter what, I would always do it with a smile on my face. There was no better way to go through life than to go through smiling.

The darkest part of my mind reminded me that I wouldn't be smiling if Mom's cancer killed her.

I pushed it away. I'd told myself that I wouldn't think about those things.

"Kenzee! Dad's home," Ian called from the hallway.

I sat up and glanced at the clock. It was only 4:30. Why was Dad home already?

After setting the copy of the Hamilton announcement from our school on my desk, I hurried to the kitchen, where my dad stood. He hadn't taken off his coat, and his phone was still in his hand, which told me that he was leaving again soon.

"Dad?"

"Hey, Zee." He smiled at me. "You guys ready to go?"

Ian glanced at me, looking as confused as I felt.

"Go where?" I asked.

His smile widened. "It's a surprise. Hop in the car."

I grabbed my phone and my coat, throwing it on as I walked out the door. Whatever this surprise was, if it was enough for my dad to take off of work, then it was enough for me. Ian hurried right behind me.

"I call shotgun!" he shouted.

"Only if you get there first!" I shouted back.

Unfortunately, Ian had longer legs than me, and quickly outran me. I huffed as I opened the door to the backseat and climbed in.

"It's not fair that you're faster," I said, sulking.

"Sorry," he laughed, which proved that he wasn't sorry at all.

Once Dad had gotten in and started the car, I tried again. "So where are we going?"

"I said it's a surprise. Don't worry, you'll like it."

"Hm… Okay."

I took careful note of where we were driving, trying to figure out where we were headed. We were on the road to the hospital, and we continued on that way for about ten minutes before he took the exit, away from the hospital. Distantly, I remembered that this was the way we used to take to the restaurant Ian requested every year for his birthday. A slight thrill of excitement ran through me, but I pushed it down, telling myself not to get my hopes up. We hadn't gone to that restaurant in forever.

But I couldn't help it as Dad took the right turns that would lead us to Tokyo Beat, the family's not favorite, but accepted restaurant since it was Ian's favorite. Unlike its name, it didn't only serve Japanese food. I supposed Ian liked it for the style of the building, and the spicy food. He was obsessed with spicy food for some reason. Me? I took the salad.

I couldn't wait any longer. "Are we going to Tokyo Beat?" I asked.

Dad's smile gave me my answer.

"Yes!" Ian pumped his fist. I laughed. I was happy to see him excited about something for the first time in a while.

"But that's not the only part," Dad said.

We both quieted in anticipation of what we would find when we rounded that last corner. Dad turned the car, then pulled into Tokyo Beat's large parking lot. It was a Wednesday night, so it wasn't terribly busy. As we drove by the entrance, Ian said, "Kenzee, look."

I pressed my face to the window. "Where?"

"The van."

I searched until I saw a vehicle that I recognized as a hospital van, used for transporting patients with the proper care. I gasped.

"Dad, is Mom…?"

His smile again gave me the answer I longed for. Mom was in the restaurant! I didn't know how they'd gotten it to work, but for the first time in about a half a year, we were going to have a real family dinner. Not one crowded around her bed, or in the hospital diner. A real restaurant.

My knees bounced up and down as Dad found a parking spot. I'd already taken my seatbelt off, so I threw open the door and nearly ran to the entrance, trying to wait for Dad and Ian as they caught up. Dad checked us in, then pointed us to where Mom was sitting.

It was by our favorite table, under the 'spiky light,' as I used to call it. The light didn't quite reach the dark spots of the corner, so the ambience was that of twilight. It was pretty, as it usually was, with the soft gray colors accenting the dark and light blue of the walls and chairs.

But all that was forgotten as I looked at my mother, who was sitting up for the first time in weeks.

I ran forward and hugged her, ignoring the tubes that were connected to her, and not caring about the cloth that wrapped around her head.

"Hi, honey," she whispered.

"Hi." I laughed a little. "I'm so happy you're here."

She smiled widely, letting it light up her whole face. "Me too. I was doing a lot better today than most days, so the doctor said I could get out for a while."

I nodded, smiling, then laughed again and said, "I'm so happy."

I stepped back to let Ian hug Mom, then he stepped back for Dad. I couldn't stop smiling. It made me feel like everything was right in the world when my Dad and my Mom were together. As long as we were together as a family, nothing could go wrong.

_Who cares if it isn't true, McKenzee? Let yourself be happy now!_

So I did. I laughed with my family as we ate and exchanged stories about school, work, and things that happened at the hospital, some of which were actually quite entertaining.

But as the seconds stretched into minutes upon minutes, I could see the way Mom's figure had begun to slouch slightly, her face bearing a smile less often, and some of the light disappearing from her eyes. The lamp that shone over our table illuminated the dark corners once again, but it was lonelier now, and nearly half of the people had left.

"Think it's about time to call it a night?" Dad said.

Mom smiled, but the tightness around her mouth told us that she was tired. "I'm so glad that we could have this tonight. I miss all of you so much."  
I stood up and gave her a hug. "I miss you too, Mom."

Ian joined me a moment later. "We all do."

But once her nurse came around, we said one more goodbye, then let Dad say his goodbye as we walked towards the door. We waited outside for him, listening to the sounds of the small city. I pulled my jacket more tightly around me as a cold breeze swept across the parking lot.

"You didn't tell Mom about Hamilton," Ian said.

I suddenly realized that I had forgotten all about it. "I guess I didn't. It's all right. I mean it doesn't mean much unless I get in, which I will," I added.

He smiled. "I'm sure you will."

I looked up at the stars, hard to see because of the surrounding lights.

"Ian, do you feel small?"

"Do I… What?"

"Do you ever feel like your problems are insignificant?"

"I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm not worth or don't deserve certain attention, but I don't know. Why?"

I was silent for a moment before saying, "How come our problems seem so big sometimes? I mean, you know those nights when there's not a cloud in the sky, everything is totally silent, and you can see trillions of stars?"

"I love those nights."

"Why does…" I gestured with my hands, not sure how to put what I was thinking into words. "How can we…"

"How can we make such a big deal of our lives when there are seven billion other people in the world who don't even know we exist? And why do the stars make us seem insignificant?"

I focused on one star that was brighter than the others. "Yeah. Exactly."

"Hm."

"I'm scared, Ian." I glanced back at him. He was still watching the stars. "Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay. I'm scared too. Anyone would be."

"Okay."

We heard the door open behind us and turned around to see Dad exiting. He had a tight and worn smile on his face as he strode towards us, taking the keys out of his pocket and fingering them.

"The nurses will take care of Mom," he told us. "Let's go."

We followed him to the car. I looked to the sky one last time before climbing into my seat.

We drove home in silence.

()()()

The next day was Saturday, and I slept in until noon. I had nothing to do that day, absolutely nothing. Ian only came out of his room to eat, so I knew that he was in a don't-talk-to-me-I'm-feeling-antisocial-today mood. I could relate as I sat on the couch - not sat, more like sprawled - with a bowl of popcorn in my lap and Netflix on the TV. I knew that there were probably other, more productive things I could be doing than this, but, frankly, I didn't really feel like it.

After at least two hours of zero-productivity, I heard a knock on the door. I stood up quickly, attempting to smooth my frizzy hair and straighten my shirt before going to answer it. I opened it, and Jordyn was standing there, a smile on her face.

"You are a mess," she announced before marching in and closing the door behind her.

"It's just a lazy Saturday," I defended myself. "Don't tell me you've never had one of those."

She looked at me incredulously, which I took as a 'no.'

"Come on, it's nearly 3. Let's do something together."

"Like what?"

She shrugged. "Bike ride?"

I groaned. "That means I have to wear something other than pajamas."

"Nah, nobody will care."

I thought about it. "Yeah, you're right. I'mma let Ian know where I'm going, then I'll be right out. There's popcorn on the counter if you want some."

I ran down the hallway to Ian's room and, when he didn't answer my knock, I eased the door open. He was sitting at his desk, his head resting on his arms. When he heard me enter, he lifted his head and looked at me with bleary eyes.

I smiled. "If you're tired, you should take a real nap, not a desk nap."

"Hm…"

"I'm going on a bike ride with Jordyn, okay? I'll be back soon."

"Mkay."

I slowly backed out and said, "Okay, see you later."

"Bye."

After closing the door behind me, I turned and walked to the kitchen to see Jordyn casually tipping the bowl back to get the last kernels in her mouth. She quickly set it down when she saw me watching her.

I shook my head. "I don't get how you can eat all the hard ones."

She shrugged. "They're fun to chew."

"You know you're gonna be chewing them for the next twenty minutes, right?"

She shrugged again. "I like the taste."

"Okay, then. Did you ride your bike over here?"

"Yep."

I laced on my combat boots over my PJs and threw on a hoodie. Definitely the new style in this part of Wisconsin.

My bike was old, rusty, and it squealed every time I pedaled, but I didn't mind. It still worked.

We biked out of the driveway and onto the pothole-filled road, enjoying the breeze that pushed us forward.

"So we're doing Hamilton," Jordyn said.

I nodded. "I'm trying out for Eliza."

"You'd be good at that. I heard Keith is going for Burr."

I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I heard him talking to his friends about it."

I kept my smile to myself. My crush was playing my favorite character. Perfect.

"I, um, also heard that Tristan is trying out for Alexander Hamilton."

My smile curved downwards. "Perfect. They're both annoying and loud-mouthed."

She raised her eyebrows at me.

"Sorry. I didn't mean for that to sound so harsh. Alexander is a lot better than Tristan. He's not annoying. Well, maybe to Jefferson."

Jordyn laughed a little. "I know what you mean. Tristan is very annoying."

"Who are you trying out for?"

She hesitated. "I'm not sure. I don't think I'll get in anyway."

"Well, you're definitely not to get in if you think like that. Tell me who you want to try out for."

She was quiet for a moment, then said, "Angelica."

I felt a smile creep over my face. "Do you know how perfect that would be? You have to try out. That would be awesome."

She smiled, too. "Maybe I will."

We biked around town for a while before turning around and heading back. As we neared my house again, Jordyn said, "Well, I guess we'd better start practicing then."

"That's right. We can practice together sometime."

"Yeah, we could do Schuyler sisters. And Ruby can play Peggy."

I laughed at the sight of Jordyn's little sister singing, _'and Peggy_.'

"And Ian can play Aaron Burr."

I nodded. "I think he'd like that."

We biked into my driveway and parked our bikes by our garage. Once we were inside, Jordyn said that she was going to use the bathroom as I went to go check on Ian.

When I looked in his room, he was crashed on his bed. I wondered if he'd been sleeping this whole time.

"Kenzee?"

I turned around. Jordyn had a worried look on her face.

"What's wrong?"

"You might want to see this."

My heart was pounding as I followed her to the bathroom. When I looked inside, my breath caught in my throat.

I could only stare at the previously halfway-filled bottle of pills that was now empty.

_Not again._

**Heyo I'm alive. I know, I should've had plenty of time to write since we're in quarantine now, but I've been working on my novel since that had a deadline, and this really didn't, but here it is now. I kinda wrote the ending pretty quickly, so it's not the best cliffhanger, but lemme know what you think :) At least it's sorta long….? Anywho sorry for the wait again, hopefully more updates will be quicker. Thanks to all my reviewers! Reviews mean a lot to me :)**

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter Four_

**TW: mentions of overdose (only at the beginning)**

"Ian!"

I burst into his room, rushing to his bed and shaking his shoulder. "Ian, wake up!"

He stirred. "What… Kenzee, what's wrong."

I stared at him a moment, searching his face. He looked perfectly healthy.

"You're...you're okay?"

He scrunched his face up. "Of course I'm okay. What are you talking about?"

I leaned forward and hugged him, nearly crying in relief.

"Zeezee, what happened? Why are you...oh."

Jordyn must've shown him the bottle.

"Oh, Zee, don't worry. There were two half-filled bottles of the same kind of pills so I just put them in one bottle and left the other one on the counter. It's okay. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," I said. "It was my fault for jumping to conclusions."

"I told you I wouldn't overdose again," he told me softly.

"I know. I just...panicked. I'm okay." I sat up again. I took a deep breath as I felt my heart rate slowly going back to normal.

"Where were you?"

"I was on a bike ride with Jordyn."

"Oh, that's right." He rubbed his face. "Well, it's close enough to suppertime, anyway. I'll make pancakes."

"For me, too?" Jordyn asked excitedly.

He smiled. "Sure."

()()()

I opened my locker at school to find that my Hamilton poster had been torn up, with the words "_You'll never get in, loser!" _written all over it, and on my locker door, too.

I sighed angrily. "Stupid Tristan Miles," I muttered under my breath as I ripped down the rest of the poster and threw the pieces into a trash can. Glancing across the hallway, I saw him and his friends crowded by his locker, laughing and talking very loudly.

"Was that a Hamilton poster?"

I jumped and turned around quickly to see Keith Matthews standing right there.

"Um… Yeah, it was."

"Are you trying out?"

"Yeah… For Eliza."

"That's cool. I'm trying out for Burr."

A small smile spread across my face.

"I think you'd be a good Aaron Burr."

"And I'd think you'd be a good Eliza. Don't listen to what Tristan and his buddies say. They're just trying to make you mad."

I sighed. "I know. I'm still trying out."

He nodded. "Well, good luck."

"Yeah, to you, too."

He smiled, then turned around and walked away.

I let my nervous demeanor fizzle away as I melted against my locker. I didn't know what might've possessed Keith to come and talk to me, but it had made me really happy. I might've been a little awkward, but a least he knew that I existed now. That was a plus.

As I walked past Tristan to get to my next class, he'd distanced himself from the rest of the group, and I noticed something in his hands. A piece of paper. I caught a flash of color, and a ribbon design. Cancer awareness.

My fists tightened around my books. The only reason I could think of for Tristan holding a cancer awareness paper was to find out more about my mom for some unfathomable reason. I didn't exactly care why he was doing it, I just wished he could mind his own business.

After school, there was a theatre meeting for anyone who wanted to play in _Hamilton._ Jordyn met me as I walked to the auditorium, neither of us saying anything, both knowing how nervous we were.

As we entered backstage where it was taking place, I was struck by the amount of students there, which would make it harder to get the role.

_I'll just have to try harder then. _

"Students!"

We quieted down and turned our attention to the director, Mr. Evergreen, but everyone called him Mr. E. He was tall and slim, and looked like he'd just gotten out of college besides the fact that he'd been teaching here for ten years. He had a very light goatee, but shaved it so much that he was more often without it than with. His eyes were a little flat and cold, but that was only a first impression. Once I got to know him, he was a very nice and funny person.

He looked over the students now, probably picking out which ones would be fit for whichever roles. I stood tall, reminding myself that Phillippa Soo, the first person who had played Eliza, had foreign nationality, like me. She was part Chinese, and I was part Polynesian, but still. That had to count for something, right?

"All right. I'm assuming everyone is here to try out for Hamilton. If you are not, please leave immediately."

No one left.

He nodded. "Thank you for participating in this, and I wish you the best of luck."

I spotted Tristan out of the corner of my eye, but none of his buddies were around him like they usually were. I tried to find Keith without making it obvious what I was doing.

"Hamilton is a hard musical to play and learn, especially whoever is playing Lafayette."

There were a few scattered chuckles at that.

"And whoever is trying out for Alexander, well, he's not the most well-loved hero."

Fewer chuckles at that.

"I have your names and when you are going to sing posted on the bulletin board over on that wall, so please look at that. Instead of singing onstage like I usually have you do, you will be singing for me in a private room."

At least I wouldn't have to sing in front of everyone, which is what I had been most nervous about. But I didn't know if a private room would be any better.

"Good luck to you all!" With that he turned and walked away, leaving the kids to flock around the bulletin board, searching for their names. I hung back, waiting for the crowd to disperse before I went over. Tristan was waiting back too, but I did my best to ignore him. He looked slightly uncomfortable, and I didn't exactly blame him. People like him didn't usually try out for theatre, and I wondered what reason he could have for doing it. And for the main character, out of all people.

I hoped with all my heart that he would get the role. If he succeeded, and if I succeeded, that would be disastrous.

_What is it worth to me?_

If I found out he was playing Alexander, I could forfeit my role. I wouldn't have to deal with him in theatre as well as school.

But I shook my head. I had come into this determined to play Eliza. I wasn't going to back down because of some stuck-up, annoying boy.

And maybe, just maybe, he wasn't that bad all the time. After all, he'd signed up for theatre.

()()()

"Angelica!"

"Eliza!"

Silence.

I sighed. "It's not the same without Ruby."

Jordyn snickered, pausing the music. "We could have Ian do it."

I laughed out loud. "As funny as that would be, I doubt he'd want to."

I had invited Jordyn over to practice our parts. Auditions were in one week, and we both wanted to be as ready as we could. Ian had helped us for the first ten minutes, then he'd left, and we'd been practicing for an hour since.

I sighed. "I wonder if Tristan is practicing as hard as we are."

My friend rolled her eyes. "I don't really care about Tristan, but I'll bet Keith is." She bumped my shoulder. I smiled and blushed, glancing down towards my feet.

"Isn't this great?" she said. "You're trying out for Eliza, I'm trying out for Angelica, Keith is trying out for Burr, and, well, besides Tristan, it's perfect."

I laughed. "Yeah, I guess it is. I'm still nervous."

"Me too. But that's okay."

I nodded. "I'm kinda tired."

"Yeah, it is getting pretty late. I think I might head home."

"Okay."

"Thanks for supper."

I smiled at her. "Anytime."

Once Jordyn had left, I cleaned the kitchen and living room, then started on my homework. After finishing one subject, I glanced at the clock and sighed. It was already 11 PM. Dad would be home soon.

I finished most of my homework before putting it away and quietly walking down to Ian's room. His door was a little bit open, so I whispered, "Ian?"

No answer. Assuming he was already sleeping, I crept back to my room and turned off the light, blindly making my way to my bed. I slipped on my headphones over my head and pressed shuffle on my playlist, closing my eyes.

_Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now..._

**Ahhhh really short chapter this time i feel really bad, but I promise the next one will be longer. Hopefully. I hope you enjoyed it anyway! Reviews are appreciated :) Have a good day! (or night idk lol) **


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter Five_

_5:28_

I was the last person in the hallway, my foot nervously shuffling against the tile floor.

_5:29_

All nine girls who had gone before had been trying out for Eliza. This was my only chance to get the role I wanted.

_5:30_

I had to sing well enough. One voice crack and I was done for. I had to be confident, or Mr. E wouldn't trust me to sing on the stage. Everything had to be just right…

"McKenzee Papantoniou?"

He had pronounced my last name right, which was a relief. I stood up quickly and smiled at him. He smiled back and gestured for me to come in.

When I stepped into his room, I had expected it to be a cold type of office, but it was anything but that. Not only were there messy papers scattered all over the desk, there were also posters not unlike the ones in my room pinned up on the walls. Hamilton posters, Dear Evan Hansen poster, Les Miserables posters, and other musicals. Several movies too, like Top Gun, My Girl, and a few Disney ones. Books were piled up in corners, and a couple plants and succulents were placed on stands. A comfortable-looking armrest chair sat in front of his desk, where Mr. Evergreen was attempting to clean up a little. But I didn't think the messiness looked bad. To me, it looked homey and welcoming.

"Please, have a seat," he said, waving his hand at the chair.

I sat down, springs creaking underneath the foam and fabric.

"That is, unless you prefer to sing standing up. I never really know, so I put the chair there just in case."

"I don't mind either way," I told him.

"Wonderful! So, since you're trying out for Eliza, you'll be singing "Burn," acapella."

I took a deep breath. I knew it by heart, but I wished that I could at least have instrumental.

"Okay."

"Whenever you're ready."

I rubbed my hands nervously on my jeans, then took a deep breath and started.

_"I saved every letter you wrote me…"_

I tried not to look at Mr. Evergreen as I sang, but it was hard to ignore his intent stare. I realized he must be looking at me to judge my facial expression, so I put as much emotion into the song as I could. It had to be enough.

_"You, you, you… I'm erasing myself from the narrative."_

I softened my voice as much as I could, then raised it in a crescendo towards the last verses.

_"Of when you were miiiiine…"_

My voice nearly gave out at the long note, but I held it persistently, telling myself that if I stopped, I would fail.

I took a deep breath and continued in a slightly shaky voice which I hoped came off as vibrato.

_"I hope that you burn."_

I trailed off at what I hoped was just the right time. There was a moment of silence before Mr. Evergreen's face broke into a smile.

"That was beautiful, McKenzee. You have an amazing voice, and you definitely have a chance to get in."

A chance. That was all I needed.

I smiled. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome." He wrote a couple things down on a piece of paper, then said, "Well, that's all I have for you. Have a good night, McKenzee."

"Thanks, you too."

I stood up and took one last glance over the messy room before leaving and gently closing the door behind me. Jordyn was standing right there and scared me when I turned around. Not on purpose, of course. I was a naturally jumpy person.

"Hey, what's up?" I said.

"What did he say?"

"He said that I have a beautiful voice and had high chances for getting in."

"That's awesome! Um, why don't you look more happy then?"

"Cause he probably said that to all the other girls too."

"I doubt it. Your voice is unique."

I smiled at her. "Thanks. How did your Angelica audition turn out?"

She shrugged. "I sang okay. I doubt he'll pick me though."

"Hey, he could. Don't give up hope."

"Yeah, I know. I really hope I get in."

"I hope you get in too."

"Let's go to your house and sing some more."

"But the auditions are over," I said.

"I know, but I dunno what else to do and I'm nervous waiting."

"Me too. Let's go."

Jordyn told her mom to drop us off at my house, and once I walked in, I went to check on Ian. Knocking on his door, I said, "Hey, we're home."

I heard shuffling from inside, then the door opened and a very tired looking Ian stood there, one hand in his curly hair.

"Do you want supper?"

"No, Jordyn's mom picked up McDonald's for us."

"Okay, sounds good."

"You need to eat too, though."

"Yeah, I'll warm up leftovers or something."

"Okay." I glanced back towards the kitchen where Jordyn was already taking out the popcorn. "Well, Jordyn and I are probably just going to be singing."

"Oh okay. Wait, didn't you have auditions already?"

"Yeah, we had them today. But she still wanted to sing."

"Okay. How did those go?"

"Pretty good, he said I had a high chance of getting in."

"That's good. You find out tomorrow?"

"Yep. I'm a little nervous."

"I'm sure you'll get in."

"Really?"

He smiled at me. "Of course."

I felt happy that I had my brother's assurance. For some reason, that meant a lot to me.

"Well, I'd better go make sure Jordyn doesn't burn down the house making popcorn."

He laughed a little. "Okay. I'm gonna head to bed soon."

"Okay, sounds good."

He closed the door as I turned and walked back to the kitchen, where Jordyn was microwaving popcorn.

"Didn't burn it yet?"

"No, but I might've added an extra thirty seconds. I threw the package away before I could check the time."

I sighed. "Literally all you have to do is press the popcorn button."

"Oops."

I waited until it was finished popping, then opened it, hoping that it wasn't burnt. Nothing smelled, so we melted butter and salt and put both on in amounts that probably weren't good for our health. Then we went to my room and talked and sang and listened to Hamilton for the rest of the night.

When her mom picked her back up, I thought about how lucky I was to have a best friend like Jordyn. Someone who loved Hamilton as much as I did and who I knew would be there with me for every step.

()()()

The next morning I got up quickly, barely being able to eat my breakfast because I was so excited. And nervous at the same time. Every time I thought about it, it was like a bolt of dread shooting through my chest and setting off my hands shaking, but it wasn't dread. It was more like a mix of happiness and anticipation that was crushed immediately after by the prospect of the fact that I might not make it in.

In short, it was very annoying because it made it hard to concentrate on anything. I packed all my things in a rush, sure that I was forgetting something. But I was too excited to care.

_AHHHHH_-

"Kenzee?"

"I'm fine!"

Ian was looking at me strangely.

"You sure?"

I took a deep breath, held it for a second, then released it. "Yeah. Just…"

"I get it. You're nervous."

"Yep."

As soon as the bus stopped at school, I raced inside, leaving Ian behind me. I'm sure he understood. I skidded to a stop in front of the bulletin board, searching for the theatre poster. I barely even noticed that Jordyn had come up behind me, and was searching as well. I located the poster, then went down till I found Eliza Hamilton.

And then I almost screamed as I saw the name McKenzee Papantoniou beneath it.

But my happiness was somewhat diminished when I saw that the name under Angelica was not Jordyn's.

"Jordyn…"

"I got understudy."

"That's not bad, Jordyn. That means that you got second. That's a lot better than most people."

"I guess so." She turned and smiled a little bit at me. "Maybe if I practice hard enough I'll still have a chance."

"Yeah, that'd be awesome!"

"Come on, let's go to class."

"Okay."

My hands were still shaking as I sat down at my desk. Then I realized that I had forgotten to check the rest of the names, like Burr. And Alexander.

"Be right back!" I told Jordyn, and ran back to the bulletin board. Scanning over the names, I first saw Keith for Burr, and smiled a little, but my smile faded as I saw the name for Alexander Hamilton.

_Tristan Miles._

Oh joy.

I sulked all through first hour, but at break something was different. As I stood by my locker, I saw Tristan by his, but his friends were crowded around a different locker. I watched him glance over to them, then glance in the other direction, like he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. I turned back to my locker before he could see that I'd seen him.

"Hey!"

I jumped, then saw it was Keith. "Oh, hey. Sorry, I'm jumpy."

What in the world, McKenzee? Why did you say that?

"Oh, that's fine. Hey, congrats on getting Eliza."

"Thanks! And you for Burr."

"Yeah, I'm super excited for our first rehearsals."

"Me too."

"Well, can't wait to see you there."

_Uh… Did he just say that?_

He smiled at me, then turned and walked back to his locker. I watched him go, feeling extremely confused but also inexplicably happy.

_Maybe he likes me._

_Nah. Don't get your hopes up._

_Why didn't you say anything back to him?_

I realized that I'd been staring, and quickly turned back to my locker. I knew that if I let myself think about it for too long, I'd get carried away and never stop thinking about it, and I needed to focus on school. There was probably no way it would happen anyway.

But I let a tiny part of me hope for it.

**Sorry that ended kinda quickly…. Hope you enjoyed it anyways! So I have two other stories that I'm working on right now, and I'm going to try to update one of them each week, which means that this story will be updated every three weeks. Have a great day!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey everyone, so, I decided that this fanfiction is too far away from normal fanfiction to be on here, so it will be discontinued. Sorry to all my readers! I also want to focus on my other stories more. I hope you have a good day! **


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